Why Donald Trump Would Make a Great American President

Anyone with a vague knowledge of world news over the last three months will know that businessman, property tycoon, raconteur and all-round gas c**t “I have a great relationship with the blacks” Donald “Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure” Trump is vying to become the Republican candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America. While most sane people of the world view this to be an event signaling the end of progressions in human-human relations, we here at College Times appreciate some outside of the box thinking. So we’ve come up with 11 reasons, aside from his hair, why the Donald would make a great American President.

1) You Won’t Have To Deal With Your Friends Leaving For 3 Months

Our Esteemed Leader-to-Be has promised to remove the J1 Work Exchange Visa programme, so you won’t ever have to go to LA or San Francisco or NYC or Boston for a summer of beer and sex and romance and memories and all that horrible stuff that you used to have to do during your summers in college. He is such a thoughtful tycoon.

2) American Girls Won’t Get Their Periods Anymore

After being asked some mean (read: tough) questions by Megyn Kelly of Fox News, has pledged a ‘War on Menstruation’. This has been greeted with almost universal applause worldwide.

3) Global Warming Will Cease To Exist

Following on from previous Tweets on the subject of global warming, Trump has pledged to declare the extinction of global warming on his election as World Emperor – President of the US.

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4) America Probably Won’t Go To War Again

Despite the fact that Islamic State militants would provide the PERFECT front for another war, Mr. Trump has promised voters that he’ll only send American troops into the Middle East to secure oil reserves and nothing more. He also assured the American public that there would be no loss of civilian life during the course of this invasion.

“And in order to do that, you would have to put boots on the ground. I would knock the hell out of them, but I’d put a ring around it and I’d take the oil for our country.”

5) He’s Going To Build A Nice New Wall

When the people tore down the Berlin Wall in 1989, Trump was sad because China was the only one with a big wall, and he didn’t like China. So now that he has the chance to become President in 2016, he knows it’s his chance to build a big wall across the border with Mexico so that he’d have the biggest wall in the world.

6) He’ll Make America Great Again

When outlining his election manifesto, one of Trump’s clear-cut and explicit plans was to “make America great again”. He proposed to fulfil this plan by cracking down on immigrants entering the US. He condemned the flow of immigrants using the example of his own mother, and his paternal grandparents who hailed from Scotland and German respectively. Yep, his own family weren’t immune.

7) He’s Really Smart

Despite his IQ of 498, he has remained humble and down-to-earth, further enhancing his bid to become President. His intellectual abilities have made him the perfect candidate for the presidency; he cares about finding ways to help the ordinary people living in America, not just the obscenely rich.

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8) America Needs Another Rich, Old, White Man As President

G’way with your cultural and gender diversities, it’s not called the “White” House for nothing.

9) He’s More Quotable Than Mean Girls

He’s so fetch. Who in the world wouldn’t want a president who’s clever lines include:

“Somebody’s doing the raping”

“Our planet is freezing”

“Part of my beauty is that I’m very rich”

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10) He’ll Tell the Whole World: “You’re Fired!”

In addition to building a nice big wall and getting rid of all the immigrants except himself, Trump has promised voters that he will dismiss the whole world from the face of the Earth. His ambition knows no bounds.

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