Literally Anything Else: 17 Things To Do Instead Of Falling In Love

Love is so overrated. I mean, who needs a snuggle buddy when you could stay in a new house every night? All love really is is learning to share food, even when they said they weren’t hungry and didn’t want anything but still steal your chips. So, if you’re like me and you’re so over only getting half of the McDonalds you paid for, here are some great alternatives to falling in love. *Sidenote: number ten is a personal favourite of mine.

1) Get a degree

Oh look, remember that thing you actually came to college for? Time to go get it. Maybe now instead of using your printer money to buy 3-for-1-euro condoms you might decide to HEAD to the library. Y’know, to work on some other JOBS that were neglected the past few months.

2) Buy a cat

Well, if you start your cat collection at an early age it won’t be as obvious when you’re pushing forty and spending more time in the vet’s than in Tesco. Besides, it might be the only pussy action you’ll be getting for a while.

3) Read a book

Find your inner bookworm because you won’t know what to do with all this free time. Find a niche you enjoy; fiction, sci-fi, horror, erotica, etc. Pick up some tips from E. L. James’ writing. I hear she’s good with the fanfiction genre.

4) Learn to knit

Finally, you’ll have done something in life that makes your nana proud. Be your own warmth on lonely winter nights.

5) Cut the grass

I’ve heard it’s really therapeutic. Unless you suffer from hayfever, obviously. It can be a metaphor for the relationship that had grown old and dirty so now you’re starting afresh with a newly cut patch of grass. Damn, that was quite deep.

6) Clean your room

What’s that brown stuff stuck to the floor? Why is your used underwear on your pillow? I know you’re not trying to impress anyone anymore, but this is fucking disgusting.

7) Visit your nan

When was the last time you spent one of your days off with your poor ol’ nan, eh? I bet she’s been neglected since the day you found yourself a fuck buddy. Bake some brown bread, put on your knitted shirt and get the hell over there.

8) Invest in the future

Because there’s nothing like putting money away for a rainy day. All you can think about right now is your broken heart but what about ten years time? What about mortgages and electricity bills? Those are the things that should be replacing the sexual fantasies of you and Chris Evans in your mind.

9) Watch The Notebook

Forget what the skeptics say, nothing beats watching The Notebook by yourself after a break-up. Tears, trauma, and takeaway is the best combination ever. Like, ever. Trust me. The salty tears just add to the fried rice flavouring.

10) Masturbate

Remember I told you to forget about your fantasies of Chris Evans? Well, now is the time to indulge. Or just cast your mind to that episode of Suits when Harvey looked sexy as fuck. Oh wait, that’s all of them.

11) Go on an adventure

And this time, make it further than the fridge downstairs. If it was me, I’d head straight to Amsterdam on the next plane outta here. So, why the hell not? Pack your bags, book a weekend off work and grab a partner in crime. Boom, enjoy. And try the lollipops.

12) Drink Starbucks

Even if that means splashing out on a €4.90 mocha frappuccino. TREAT YO SELF, GURL. Ain’t nobody else going to.

13) Binge-watch Netflix

I’m not making any strong recommendations or anything, but Suits.

14) Make a five-year plan

Not the Stalin kind, let’s just get that out there. Sit down with the diary you’ve been using to write about your lovesickness and set your goals straight. No-one likes a waster with no ambition, so plan t’fuck.

15) Get your eyebrows even

Ladies, this should take priority over everything else in your life. Even over that visit to your nan. If you have your eyebrow shit together, you’ll have all your other shit together too. That’s just how it happens.

16) Practise the walk of shame

I’m not endorsing the act of sleeping around, I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with getting the walk right in case you ever have to do it for real. So, throw on some Meghan Trainor and your heels, and get strutting around campus like a boss.

17) Adopt an African baby

Because raising a child is so much less hassle than training a guy to find your G-spot. Just saying.