Karma’s A B*tch: 12 Things I Secretly Want My Ex To Know

I’m a nice person, If I do say so myself, so I would never say any of these things to anyone. But you, my dearest ex, are a dick, and I want to smash up your stupid green Nissan Micra with my Dad’s golf clubs. So this is for all the girls out there who are dying to slap their ex right in the face but can’t because of ya know, social constraints. Here are 12 things I secretly want my ex to know:


1) You’re a dick.

Like seriously? How did I not see this when I was with you? Thank God I realised it now, because if I didn’t, this would have been the hardest break-up of my life. But nope. The holy spirit came down and whispered in my ear that you’re a dick and I’ve been lifted. Praise Jesus and hallelujah!

2) I have better sex on my own.

Maybe I’m just being petty but GAWD, you were terrible. Google is your friend. Use it sometime. Idiot.

3) You never deserved me.

I am a caring, kind and selfless person. You are selfish, rude and ignorant. They say opposites attract and all that, but we were waaayyyyy too opposite. You never deserved my love. I am way too good for you, honey bunny. Deal with it.

4) Your friends are way hotter than you.

Sorry, but true. But, because I’m a nice person (unlike you) I would never get with your friends. Or would I…..

5) You clearly don’t want a relationship so stop trying.

Seriously, stop fucking with girls heads and leading them on. It’s a dick move and you’re just hurting them. Just fucking be single, you’re better off that way.

6) Karma’s a fucking bitch.

What goes around, comes around, you motherfucker. And I hope it comes back around and slaps you right in your tiny dick.


7) At least now I know what I don’t want – another huge dickhead.

You helped me narrow down my preferences in men. I now know I don’t want an ugly, rude asshole. So thank you for that.

8) Grow up, immediately.

You’re so immature. I cringe when I think about how I used to be with you. Your Mother still makes your lunch for the LOVE OF GOD. You could not possibly be mature enough to sustain a relationship.

9) None of my friends liked you anyway.

True dat. I was naive and stupid and didn’t listen to my friends. Now I see the truth and it hurts. Thank you friends, for the clarification.


10) I’m fine, by the way.

I am doing just great without you. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but I am fine and secretly, I kind of hope that you’re not.

11) I’m happy too.

I never realised how much you were dragging me down until I was free from you. So I should probably thank you for dumping me, because you’ve made me happy – for once, and it’s kind of a nice feeling.

12) And I wouldn’t care if I bumped into you on a night out because I hate you.