Hunger Pains & Actual Death: The Only Valid Reasons To Get Out Of Bed

When you have that beautiful day off you’ve been waiting for all week, it should be spent in bed. And nothing, abso-fucking-lutely nothing, should move you from that crease and fort of duvet around you apart from these reasons – and even they’re pushing.

1) Your phone is dying.

A worst case scenario, honestly. You’ve been lounging, snoozing and rolling in your own saliva and your battery has hit the 5% mark. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, you realise you left your charger out of reaching distance. You’ve leaned every which way to try and grab it and you’re pretty sure you’ve just pulled something in your back from the vigorous movement. Now your legs actually have to leave the warmth of the covers. BUT! It’s worth it. This only one of the acceptable reason to leave the heaven on earth that is bed.

2) You’re about to die from hunger.

Another one that is valid enough to force yourself from the sacred holy grounds of bed. But only when actual hunger pains have set in. Anything less isn’t worthy enough. You have 7 episodes of 30 Rock to get through today, you don’t have any time to actually get out of bed.

3) You need to “freshen up” before the other occupant of the bed wakes up.

Totally okay. No one wants to see you with your eyebrows smudged over your entire face. They’ll roll over and think they went to bed with Freddy Krueger if you don’t do something. So for the sake of both of you, take off last night’s makeup and wash your face you filthy animal.

4) You’re super hungover and your mouth is as dry as Kristen Stewart in an awkward interview.

You can’t even remember getting into a taxi, let alone scratching around the keyhole of the front door for 10 minutes or knocking all the pictures off the wall on the way up the stairs, but the first thing you notice when you wake up is that your lips are sealed together like you’d been deep throating a hoover all night and there’s no glass of water sitting on your locker. Fuck.

5) The takeaway has arrived.

I would deem it okay to murder a small child if they’re in between you and your takeaway. You get up out of the stench that is your bedroom and go get that takeaway, my friend.

6) The bed itself is on fire.

No. Not even when the house is on fire should you leave the coziness of the cocoon of warmth and love. Only when the inferno is lapping at your feet should you consider moving from your bed. Only then.

7) You can’t hold your wee in any longer.

Top tip! Lying down reduces the pressure to wee so the longer you stay lying down, the less you’ll need to wee, right? Don’t be such a Pussy Ass Netflix Newbie and pull yourself together. Unless you’re at the foot tapping stage of needing to go, you don’t deserve to leave your bed. Truth.

8) Someone’s died.

Fairly reasonable, I think. I don’t mean if someone’s died in the bed (you should deffo leave it for that too) but yeah. What the fuck are you doing in your bed if someone died. Get the fuck out of it you lazy whore.