‘How Do You Have Sex?’: Things People Think Are Okay To Ask Lesbians

Coming out can be a very confusing time, not just for you, but for everyone around you. Coming out can lead people to believe that you’ve suddenly become an expert in all things lesbian overnight and in the name of “I can’t be bothered to Google it” people think they can ask you whatever they want, no matter how personal the question. So to prepare you (or help you keep your sanity), here are the worst questions every lesbian is asked and here’s how to respond to them without resorting to physical violence. (Warning: Serious sarcasm.)

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1. “So which one of you is the dude [the guy, the butch, etc]?”

Oh, that’s me. Me with the short hair. I’m the dude in the lesbian relationship. I mean, I do have the short hair and everything so it only makes sense that I’m the ‘guy’. Except for the very obvious not-penis that I have. *Rolls eyes*

2. “So you don’t want kids then?”

No, being a lesbian means that I’m allergic to all offspring that aren’t four legged and covered in fur. Seriously, I break out in hives and start choking when small children come near me. It’s pretty ugly.

3. “But didn’t you used to date guys?”

Yes, I did and then I realized that there were lesbians in the world and so I became one. #girlpower

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4. “Have you ever had sex with a guy though?”

I can’t have sex with men because I don’t have a penis. *duh*

5. “How do lesbians even have sex?”

Oh, we don’t have sex. Lesbians? SEX? Nope, we just curse the existence of all men and adopt cats. Cats, cats, more cats. That’s all there is to a lesbian relationship.

6. “Do you just hate men or something?”

Yep. 100%. There’s not one guy on the planet we can stand; as long as you have a penis, you’re our sworn enemies. FACT.

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7. “Are Ellen/Tegan and Sara your heroes?”

Just because they’re lesbians? Yes exactly! I love lesbians. Especially the famous ones that I have no chance with whatsoever.

8. “Do you want to have a threesome with me and my boyfriend?”

I would literally rather eat wet sand than have a threesome that involves penis. Please straight women of the world, STOP asking me this.

9. “What do you think made you gay?”

Um, I wanna say vagina but there’s always been something suspicious about the kryptonite my Mother puts in my sandwiches for lunch every day.