From My Couch With Love: Why Going Out Is Actually The Worst

I don’t know why going out is such a big bloody deal. It’s loud, tiring and boring, at least most of the time. But it’s sort of a necessary rite of passage for our generation. We spend our school days caking our faces in make-up with dodgy fake I.D.s to get into the creepy club, and then get drunk off a Smirnoff Ice and ruin our lives. Ah, those were the days. When we all fooled ourselves into thinking that clubbing is actually an enjoyable pastime. Because I’m not sure if you know this yet, but it’s not, and here’s why:

1) It’s warm.

Too warm. You can’t even move to buy a drink without working up a sweat and ruining your hard work i.e. your face and hair. You go outside to cool down, but it’s just as warm out there. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!

2) There’s no space.

No matter how big the club is, it’s going to be packed. Without a doubt. In fact, the bigger the place, the more likely it is that you’ll spend your night looking for your friends, which is shit. Should’ve just stayed at home, I reckon.

3) You can’t have a conversation.

You come out with your mates, you haven’t seen them in aaaages but when you all get in and buy your drinks you realise that you can’t even have a conversation with them, it’s so loud. What’s the point? No seriously, tell me, tell me now.

4) It’s really fucking expensive.

Going out costs a LOT of money. You have to pay to get IN. Yes, that’s right. You have to pay to enter a loud, sweaty building full of equally sweaty people where you’ll spend more money on over-expensive drinks to make the night bearable and you will then follow this up by spending even more money on a taxi home. As well as after-club food. But that’s a necessity. Obviously.

5) You get creeped on, hard.

I feel like this one is only for the girls. Why do guys think that because we’re in a dark place with music it changes the rules of social conduct? When you’re in a club, you can guarantee that you’ll get some creepy guy trying to dance his way into your circle, and he WILL undoubtedly stay there for a minimum of ten minutes while you all avoid his eye contact and wait for him to get the message. You wouldn’t see a girl doing that, now would you? We spend our night avoiding guys and trying not to get touched weirdly. Oh, the fun of it all.

6) WHY ARE THERE NO SEATS?

Clubs need to invest our their money in getting some new furniture, like maybe some chairs to rest our poor asses on. Because we have to spend our time trying to dance or standing around in heels because there’s nothing else to do. YA HEAR THAT CLUBS? Chairs would be nice. Please and thanks. XO

7) The shit music.

I have yet to find a place that willingly plays S Club 7, because let’s face it, that’s what we want to hear on a night out. The music is generally shit, and you can’t even pick what they’re going to play and it’s just torture and I want to go home now please, ok?

8) It’s tiring.

Because standing around dancing, and generally waiting to go home goes on for fucking hours. When, instead, you could be at home and in bed, catching up on your precious beauty sleep. And no doubt when you wake up you’ll have several bruises for no particular reason, as well as various sore muscles because y’know, that’s just what happens, innit?

9) If you don’t like clubbing, you’re a dry bastard.

NOT TRUE. I am an incredibly fun person. I just prefer to spend my time in a place that plays GOOD music like Justin Timberlake; in a place that happens to be a reasonable temperature and that isn’t packed with creepy people. Like my house. With my friends. We can pick the music, and the drinks. BOOM and more importantly, it’s free. Sorted.