College Pickups: How to Deal With Being In The Friend Zone

You, my friend, have found yourself in one of the most precarious positions. You took a wrong turn down ‘dating avenue’ and now find yourself stranded, floating around in the infinite abyss known formally as the ‘friend zone’. But before I can advise you on how to deal with your current state of sexless limbo, I first have to define what the friend zone actually is and the rules that govern the strange land that is friend zoning:

Firstly, the Friend zone isn’t something that can only happen to males, but rather to anyone of any sex, gender or sexual orientation. Secondly, the Friend zone isn’t merely rejection, but when you enter into any sort of relationship with a person based solely on the fact that you’re attracted to them but are then viewed by said person as “just a friend”. Now with all that boring stuff out of the way, let’s get cracking with the advice…

1) Disentanglement.

Okay listen, you have the feels for this person, but they sadly don’t feel the same way. They made their choice and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone has the right to dictate who they’re involved with romantically and you have to respect that. But at the same time, you have the right to make your own choice, just because this person wants to be your friend doesn’t mean you HAVE to be friends with them. The friend zone is a dark and scary place full of unrequited love and space sharks (yes the friend zone has space sharks) and who wants that right? Just politely tell this person that you have no real interest in being friends with them and end the interactions on a mature and respectful note.

And if they get angry, laugh in their silly face because the irony is too delicious to ignore.

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2) The Old Bait and Switch.

I’m going to be honest with you, this is a risky move and the success rate isn’t that high, but it can work. You thought you were the perfect potential boyfriend/girlfriend, you were caring, attentive and always there for them. You thought these qualities would register that way, but instead, they started viewing you kinda like their gay best friend or as one of the guys. All you have to essentially do is retrace your steps and undo all these qualities. Be less nice is basically what I’m saying. Don’t always be at their beck and call, be more aloof. Get involved with other people and do the dirt with them. The sought after effect is that if you act kinda like you’re a catch and that they made the wrong decision, they might start to think it too. Plus humans always want what they can’t have. If I were to tell you that there were four different cakes on a table and you could have all them bar the chocolate one, your stupid brain’s going to instantly crave the chocolate one.

Moral of the story: be that sexy unavailable chocolate cake.

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3) Be Their Friend.

If you have ever badly wanted someone that you were ‘just friends’ with to be something more, then you know that being in the friend zone sucks. Having to see them off with other people and dealing with that overwhelming feeling of being trapped. but not wanting to go anywhere. Shit, you obviously care for this person and want to be around them, so maybe you should just try and be their friend because if you think about it, that may be just what they need in their life. If they really meant something to you, then maybe you should put their needs before your own. Feelings die slowly over a great length of time, but they do die down and after a while you’re going to get over that person and move onto the next infatuation. That’s just life guys, so maybe put on your space suit and kick it in the sexless abyss for a while yeah?

And you’d never know, something may just cum from it…yeah you read that right.

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Ps: Do not ask to be ‘just friends’ with someone just to be nice. Fuck that shit. The best thing you can do for yourself and that person is to just be honest and straight up about how you feel and where you stand…assface.