College Pickups: How To Avoid Catching Feelings

Pfft feelings are stupid and you obviously agree, otherwise why else would you be reading this article (unless you just happened to stumble upon it, which in that case “Hello welcome to the show”). Now unfortunately for you, you have to to master the art of suppressing your emotions. Don’t worry about it, it takes years of practice and I am here to help young grasshopper.

1) Don’t Talk About Your Feelings

Keep it light and keep it general when it comes to your emotions. You love PIZZA, you love COMMUNITY, you do not, I repeat do NOT love them. If you want to avoid catching feelings you have to suppress your feelings, to suppress your feelings you have to pretend they don’t exist (which admittedly is kinda like “da fack” but trust me). You’re not some emotionless robot or anything, you’re just not some overly affection pup that tells people how much they “mean” to you. And I swear to GOD If I see you cry at The Notebook again I will bitch slap you so fucking hard.

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2) Don’t Get Emotionally Invested

The problem with talking to someone everyday, or hanging out with them constantly is you start getting accustomed to this; don’t. To truly achieve “I don’t give a fuck” enlightenment, you must accept the true reality of life; nothing lasts forever. Seriously, I don’t give a fuck if you think you guys are going to live happily ever after and get matching coffins, fuck your fairy tale he will dump you or you will get bored of him and your carefully constructed fantasy will come tumbling down as your happiness turns to ash in your mouth. Warning: side affects may include extreme bitterness and pathological anger as seen above.

3) Keep Your Distance

Keep you gosh darn distance! if you want to avoid the pitfall that is emotional investment you gotta stay away from this person who threatens your sanity. I forbid you from seeing them everyday (and I know you’re probably wondering, who the fuck am I to forbid you? I’m your motherfucking spirit guide that’s who). Don’t be too familiar, see them a couple times a week, shit maybe even less than that. Maybe once a year, I don’t know just swerves these fools okay?

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4) Let Them Know

It’s a lot easier to fend off feelings if no one is sending them your way. You ain’t gotta tell them that you’re some heartless robot, just drop little hints here and there that you’re kinda of emotionally damaged and unavailable. This way no one gets hurt, you carry on your casual relationship while both of you are aware that in all likelihood it probably won’t go any further than this. Who’s to say you can’t enjoy things the way they are now? Stupid people, that’s who.

5) Get Involved With Other People

If you’re just involved with one person, you my friend are a couple short steps away from saying I do. This is the ultimate trick to avoid catching feelings, spread out your “time” over a number of people. No one’s saying you should go whore yourself out to everything that moves, but if you’re texting 2 or 3 people, it makes it increasingly more difficult for your brain to lock in on one person and decide that you should be with them. Pffft what do you even know brain, you’re just stupid pink squishy thing, I’d totally kick your ass in a fight anyways brah.

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