College Pickups: An Idiots Guide to Not Being An Idiot

We are all experts in the field of doing dumb shit. However, the main difference between me and you is that I am fully aware of my idiocy. And just like a robot in every sci-fi film ever, the moment I became self-aware I was also able to override my limitations. Today young ones, I will be teaching you how to overcome your silly human instincts and reach a state of swagalicious enlightenment. This is your final form, this is ‘God Mode‘. This is how to not be such a moronic idiot:

The ‘Bear Theory’

Allow me to pose to you a hypothetical scenario. You’re in the woods with the squad having a laugh, Mike’s even brought tons of vodka so at this point you’re all fairly pissed. Everything is at peace with the world and then out of nowhere a bear appears. Now I know what you’re thinking- “wait Dafe, there aren’t any bears in Ireland”, and to that I say fuck you random internet person, just play along. The people in your group essentially do one of two things:

A) They stare in disbelief
B) They run for their bear fearing lives

Both actions are ultimately wrong because any expert on forest bears (Yes I am now an expert, deal with it) will tell you that if you encounter a wild bear, you either stand your ground whilst making yourself big and imposing or slowly back away, all the while looking and talking to the bear.

Now let’s say we were to re-run the scenario, where you and all your mates are faced with a man-eating bear. This time, though, you’re all aware of what one should do if they actually come across a bear. Regardless of knowing what the logical and safest thing to do is; the question now becomes, realistically how many of members of your group will still run away in fear? The answer is most of them, which honestly doesn’t make sense because some grizzly bears can clock up to speeds of 35mph (told you I was an expert). The point of this whole plot was to highlight to you something key about human nature. We’re idiots at heart. Despite knowing the right way to do something, we’ll do the very opposite for no obvious reason other than, “I wasn’t thinking’.

idiot animated GIF

Much like the moth who lazily flies to his death purely because his body dictates it must, we too are genetically engineered to do stupid and brash shit. The Bear is a metaphor for life and how we deal with it. Whether it’s college pickups, studying or generally managing any tough situation, logically, we know what me must do. But we are not logical creatures, we are passionate moths flying towards a sexy light, a sexy light that gave you its number at a nightclub and rather than listen to a word, all your other moth buddies said, you instead choose to spam that poor unfortunate light with thirsty messages.

Take a second to think of your greatest embarrassments and I’m sure most of them were caused by a spur of the moment knee-jerk reactions to a situation presented to us. The best method for not acting like an idiot is to acknowledge the fact that you are indeed an idiot, it’s quite simple when you think about it really. Don’t fall into the ‘bear theory’ trap; become self-aware and stay away from the light. Now let me ask you a question, if a bear was to walk through your door right now tell me…what would you do?