Chinese Burns, Rhinestones and Donuts: Cosmopolitan’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips

Glancing over the cover of a Cosmo magazine, it’s clear from the beginning that it’s mostly about sex. Most of the magazine’s content is about releasing your inner vixen, all the while pleasing your man beyond his wildest dreams, you know the drill. Cosmopolitan magazine continues to be one of the main contributors when it comes to ridiculous, impossible and downright hilarious sex tips, no questions asked. Here are some of my favourites…

1) Handy Handjob Hints

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“Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.” Yeah, because being gentle with someone’s genitals is completely against the rules. (Yeah, because being gentle with someone’s genitals is completely against the rules.)

“Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).” (If you don’t manage to fully push his penis inside of his body to emulate some sort second belly button, then you’re doing it wrong.)

“Make two fists around the shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.” (Apparently Chinese burns on the penis are a huge turn on.)

“Place one hand at the base of his shaft and twist the top with the other- like you’re opening a jar.” (Most women can’t open jars anyways so whats the point in this?)

2) Fabulous Fellatio

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“As you’re eating dinner together say something X-rated like ‘See how I devour this steak? This is how I’m going to devour you.” (Funny, I don’t remember any dirty talk in Cannibal.)

“Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.” (Is this why it’s called a blowjob?)

“Quiz him- what’s your favourite flower or movie, and if he gets it right he has earned 10 seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax all over his chest.” (What exactly are you doing here?  Quizzing him? Pleasing him? Or turning him into a human candle?)

“As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.” (Because blokes love a bobblehead blowie.)

3) Make The Best Of Your Breasts
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“Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.” (Bonus points for when you turn the lights off and create some sort of titty disco ball effect.)

“Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple,” and ask your man to lick it off.” (Mmmmm saucy.)

“Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.” (This one isn’t even slightly erotic. It’s just strange. Who wants to be nipple tickled? And who says ‘Yowzah.’)

4) When Things Get Boring…

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“Use “your electric toothbrush” or “your iPhone (when your vibrator is out of batteries)“. (If you do this, don’t ever let me borrow your fucking phone. Sicko.)

“Press a fork (firmly but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body- his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” (Because making your man feel like he’s a newly roasted potato is a sure fire way to get him going.)

“Gently stick his penis through the hole of a donut and nibble around the edges, stopping to suck him once in a while. The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.” (Is it strange that I kind of want a donut now? Although I can’t help but think that this is an awful waste of a perfectly good donut.)