“Can I Touch Your Hair”? The Do’s And Don’ts Of Having A Black Friend

The black male is a most unique and cool individual and you have succeeded where countless others have failed…you have found yourself a black friend. This splash of colour not only livens up your group, but adds some much-needed diversity, if I do say so myself. However, you being a massive basic bastard have a million invasive questions you want to ask him, but you don’t know if you’re allowed. Interracial friendships can prove to be a landmine of awkwardness, so allow me to be your guide….

1) Ask Permission Before Touching

His hair looks like a fluffy black cloud, and his skin looks like soft chocolate. You’re just dying to touch these exotic features but wait, did you ask permission? Course you didn’t! You’re excited and your fingers are just itching to do it, but take a minute to reflect on how pervy and strange you’re coming off. If some random dude came up and started fondling your business, you would crown that person as the king of creeps. So don’t be a creep man, just ask and you shall receive. We don’t blame you, seeing as our faces are SO FRIGGIN SOFT and all that, but please exhibit some form of self-control.
Ps: If we just met don’t ask to put your fucking hands on me…unless you’re Kristen Stewart, that is. Hi Kristen!

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2) Pace Yourself In Terms Of Awkward Questions

You probably have a million questions, am I right? Can you get sunburnt? Does your face change colour when you’re embarrassed? What does Swag mean? Is your bellend purple? (I’m not even making this one up, you’d be surprised.) It’s perfectly normal to have questions, and I’m happy to answer them, but please do not swarm us with millions of what’s and why’s. I assume we’re going to be friends for a while so just take your time and spread out the questions. No one likes to feel as though they’re being interrogated, after all.

3) Avoid Common Stereotypes

Do I like rap music? Can I play basketball? Am I really fast? Do I love chicken? Am I an ass man?
While these are all valid questions in their own right, they’re not necessarily absolute fact. Stereotypes exist because they’re common, but they’re not always true. In essence, don’t assume just because of my skin colour I’m going to be the next Tupac. I mean I am and all, but that’s just because I’m amazingly talented.


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4) And Lastly, Don’t ActBlack’

You’re a white kid from the Suburbs, I shouldn’t even have to explain this one…just don’t be an idiot.