Breakup 101: ‘It’s not you, It’s me’

They’re avoiding eye contact and they’ve been doing it the whole night. You feel disconnected from them and you know deep down something’s ‘off’ but you’re pretending like you don’t notice. The conversation keeps leading back to the tornado that is your relationship (which prior to this evening you would have described as a peaceful lake). With her teary eyes and puffy lips she begins telling you “this isn’t working” and asking if “you’re happy”. And just like that, the cruel mistress that is reality comes crashing down and you realize, oh fuck she just dumped your sorry ass. It’s cool, don’t worry, it happens to the best of us and this is what you should do…

1) Talk it out.

An important step towards closure is saying everything that you need to say. She or He is giving you the classic breakup speech and you have nothing better to say than “oh wow”. This is the perfect opportunity to empty out your thoughts towards that person. Say you love them, tell them they suck for what they’re doing and how much that shit is hurting you. And I know it sounds pathetic (and believe me it is) but it’s also important that they know your final thoughts on the whole thing. If you want to move on quickly you need to have little to no regrets, so pour out your little broken heart and walk away feeling sad but also free. Don’t hold back.

cassie animated GIF

2) Cry Like a Baby.

I can already picture guys reading this like- “Pfft what? I ain’t gonna cry, that shit’s for pussies”. Homie you and I both know I saw you crying at Toy Story 3 when they were in the furnace, you’re full of it mate. And that’s what you need to do; it will honestly make you feel better. Just put Demi Lovato ‘Skyscraper’ on repeat, sing along till you know every single word and till you’ve mastered the song to the point where you’re even sounding better than her. Cry you little bish, let it out.

film animated GIF

3) Talk To People.

If you’re close with your parents feel free to go to them, but I would suggest going to your friends. They probably won’t get into the nitty gritty of your deep feelings etc.. but what they will do is lampoon the person who dumped you. They will insult them, they will bring up every flaw they have and use it as a weapon against her. In all honestly it’s fairly mean, but it’s exactly what you need in that moment. It doesn’t even have to be true, but soon after you’ll find yourself joining in with the defamation of her character and this person who you once saw as perfect starts to seem pretty flawed.

4) Rebound.

Will a rebound replace the missing pieces she took when she left? Course not, don’t be an idiot. But it’s a win; it’s something you need. It’s the first step taken towards the gradual process of moving on. You’re tongue is in someone else’s mouth and where’s her tongue? Pfft prolly eating some ice cream as she cries only now realizing what a catch you are.

sex animated GIF
5) Distance Yourself.

It’s hard to move on from someone if everywhere you look, you’re reminded off them. Get rid of ALL their stuff; contact her and let her know that one of your boys is going to go drop a box of her things to her house. Delete her number, unfollow that twitter and turn off chat specifically for her on Facebook. Once again, not one of the most classy or mature moves, but it’ll make your steps towards recovery a lot easier.

6) Watch Rom-Coms.

Of course you’re going to see her; me and you both knew this was coming don’t act so surprised. It’s okay, just play it cool yeah? “AGH I still love you “… well look at that, you’ve just gone and fucked it up. At this point, you’re going to want reminisce about all the good times you had and the feelings and all that shit but don’t, I repeat DON’T, involve her in this process. Don’t look at old messages, don’t look at old pictures and don’t call her. Relive those same feelings through films, where you can feel those emotions but you’re disconnected from the experience. You can reminisce but minimize your pain by so much. I personally would suggest Moonrise Kingdom for this very action…and believe me, you will once again cry your eyes out.

moonrise kingdom animated GIF

7) Have An Emotional Epiphany.

You’re ready, you’ve been prepping for this very event and now it’s time for your emotional epiphany. Get lost in yourself, maybe read a couple John Green books (I’ve read 1 and a half and have basically become a master of emotions), or maybe just sit in your room and think. Just as the pit of darkness you’re in seems endless, you’ll spot a something; that my friend is enlightenment. You’re a pretty awesome person and you’ll move past this, you won’t let this destroy. Time heals all wounds and you’ve noticed that everyday it hurts just that little bit less. You’re not 100% over it and you won’t be for a long time, but you’re okay, you’re happy. You see her walking around college and you’re not filled to the brim with despair. Maybe you can be friends now or maybe you want nothing to do with her, that’s a question to ask for another day. You’ve officially moved on.

love animated GIF