An Idiot’s Guide To The 6 Most Common Sex Positions

Isn’t it weird how we were all just kind of expected to know what to do in bed? Yeah, we saw it in the movies and porn and probably pictured it in our heads from time to time but when we actually had to get down to it… Does anyone actually know what to do? It’s supposed to be natural and easy and pretty much the most primitive thing ever so, how come some people just get it so wrong? BECAUSE NO ONE EVER TOLD US WHAT TO DO.

So, here’s a few positions that maybe seem straight forward but in actual fact, can be pretty tricky. Good luck and God speed kids, and remember; you can always count it as a successful sexual experience if the penis did not break. Seriously.

1. Woman on Top

This can be a tricky one if you don’t know how to do it properly. One bounce too high and you’ve got a broken dick on your hands and blood… well, everywhere. If you’re not entirely sure how to go about doing this, start off chest to chest. Just concentrate on moving back and forth with each other as opposed to thrashing around like a seal. As you get a bit more comfortable with this, the girl can slowly bring herself to an upright position and just concentrate on staying connected, grinding back and forth. If you go too hard or fast, it’s broken penisville so take your time.

2. Missionary

Easy! Right?! Not for everyone… The worst thing anyone can do during sex is be still or seem disinterested. Lying there like your Mom’s lifeless broccoli is not going to help anyone get turned on, let alone reach orgasm. Move your bodies together, finding a pace that suits you both. Slow, fast, deep, hard, soft… whatever you’re into – you can guide it. If you’re a guy, you don’t want to be known as the ‘pump, pump, squirt’ guy, and if you’re a girl then I presume you’d rather not be referred to as The Dead Fish. Work together, move together and as The Beatles say, Come Together.

3. Reverse Cowgirl

This reverse variation of the woman on top position is the best of both worlds if you’re a guy, or if you’re a girl who thinks the guy isn’t the best looking and you’d rather not see his face during sex. To do this, the girl straddles the guy as she would if she were on top, but facing away from him. She moves her hips back and forth if she’s sitting upright or if she’s leaning forward, she can bounce those hips up and down. Yeeee Haw #AmIRight #WatchOutForBrokenPenis #NeverForget

4. Doggy Style

Ah, this old chestnut. Again, good for all you romantic couples who prefer not to look at each other during sex. Usually done with the lady on all fours and the guy kneeling behind her. This can be pretty intense for the girl, as the guy is usually very much in control. It’s also a pretty raw sex act which can be a real turn on for some people and a total nightmare for others so just beware. If you need to know how this is done without watching porn, just google ‘dogs having sex’ and that’s pretty much exactly how it looks.

5. Standing Up

Getting it on while standing up is probably not your go-to move, but it’s perfect for that sweaty, gotta-have-you-now sex that can be a huge turn on. The easiest way to achieve this is for the girl to have her back to the guy and for him to take her from behind. She will probably have to stick out her ass a bit to get him in there, and if you’re small and he’s tall it can be a bit of a logistical nightmare. If you think he can hold your weight however, having him pick you up against a wall is also a winner, if you can prop yourself up against a shelf or ledge it’s waaaay easier. Let us know how this one goes…

6. Spooning

Sex while spooning is a go-to for when you’re feeling lazy and kind of horny but also a bit wrecked. All the girl has to do is nuzzle her bum into his crotch and everything should slip into place nicely. Her hands are free to help herself out meanwhile his hands are free to play with boobs. It really is a win-win for both of you and you can just pass out into a deep sleep afterward. Amazeballs.