A Brutally Honest Survival Guide For The Recently Single

It’s all a big fucking cliche, this single malarky. You go from unhappy oblivion with someone who hasn’t complimented you in seven months, to being alone and not knowing how to be alone and at first, you’re not quite sure which is the preferred way of living. Sure, you weren’t happy with them, you spent more time than you should have pondering how the hell you were going to escape this mindfuck more commonly referred to as a relationship, and you spent the last few miserable weeks of it all filled with the kind of nervous dread that diminishes your appetite, but now? Well now, you’re just filled with bitter thoughts and too much alcohol. Here’s a brutally honest guide for the recently single. Get in loser, we’re going shit stirring.

Take some ‘me’ time before you jump onto anyone else.

Yes, it may have been three weeks and you may think that you’re all ok and that your body is ready to PORTAY, but take a second and hold onto your trousers because chances are you’re not quite over that ex of yours yet. How can you be sure? Well, hopping into bed with someone strange and mysterious will probably only result in you forming a far too unhealthy attachment with what was only intended to be a stringless sex buddy in the first place and believe me when I say that that’s the last thing you need right now. Wait until the horniness has replaced the tears and you should be fine.

Gather together your most fun friends and keep them very close indeed.

What you do not need right now is the drama-inducing diva like Denise’s of the world being all ‘OMG‘ and ‘let’s cyber stalk the shit out of him for six hours‘. No. What you need are the type of friends who’ll stick on your false eyelashes and make you dance until your legs ache. You need to be dragged to comedy gigs and be supplied with chocolate and Netflix nights, so go forth my little single minions and hunt out these friends, I order you.

Join Tinder and Tinder until you can Tinder no more.

Yeah so you’ve probably heard the horror stories and the dick pic nightmares of it all, but if nothing else, it’s a way to spend a little time passing judgment on those more facially blessed than you while lying in bed feeling dejected and bloated on a Tuesday evening and if you play your cards right, you might even get a date (read: sex) out of it. Swipe away bitches.

Block your ex on Facebook immediately.

Some people I know tend to prefer the ‘stalking the absolute life’ out of their previous love via social media, as a way and means on moving on. Not I. No, when it comes to moving forth with my life, I decided that the most logical way of doing so was to pretend that said ex had died (soz) and so I removed every trace of them from my social media because I’m mature like that. And now, I insist that you do the same, even if you are feebly attempting to be ‘friends’. It never works, just FYI.

Avoid Family Gatherings For The Next Few Months.

You might be fine, strong and capable, aside from a few emotional PMS laden days, but according to your whole family, you’re in more pieces than a packet of Reeses and are crying yourself to sleep every night. So, until you feel emotionally strong enough to face the pity brigade and their awkward tiptoeing around the subject, I’d suggest staying well clear. Repeat after me:  “You are a strong, independent…..”

Start putting in 30% more of an effort with your appearance.

Get a haircut (cliched but true), get those eyebrows looking on fleek, visit the gym (I never mentioned using it) and basically just pull yourself off the couch and into your most confidence boosting outfit and you’ll be looking and feeling a hell of a lot better. Once the pajamas and unwashed hair stage has passed, then I’m sure you could pass for at least a six. (Burn)

Find someone willing to listen to your rants every now and then.

You’ll probably go from being all like ‘you know what, I’m over it all, I hope that wherever on Earth they are, they’re happy’ to being all ‘what a raging see you next Tuesday, I can’t believe I wasted all that time with someone so boring’. That’s normal (right?). You have to remember that you’re essentially in mourning for a huge chunk of your life that you’ll later come to classify as a stupid mistake. You need a friend/ drunk toilet buddy/ uncaring work buddy/ Mother there to pat you on the head and agree with your every dramatic statement and you’ll feel all the better afterward. And exhallllllle.

Keep busy and try new things, in every sense of the word.

Sitting around pondering the bad times (or even worse, the good) won’t help you to move on. I’m not one for cheesy quotes or sappy nonsense in general, but the hunzos were onto something when they penned the genius ‘you can’t move onto the next chapter until you close the previous one‘. You had good times and you had bad, but at the end of the day you just need to accept that it would never have worked out and instead, put on your glad rags and get out there. Flirt in bars, kiss random hotties, go on dates with someone who isn’t your usual type, laugh frequently, try new things and enjoy yourself, because quite frankly, there’s no better time to be single.

Retain as much dignity as you possibly can, even when it’s really hard.

Yes, he or she may have treated you like shit times three. You may have hit your lowest, darkest place. You may have quite literally never hated anyone with so much venom and your parents may despise their guts, purely because they haven’t seen you this angry since the *whispers* puberty stage, but you know what? Hold your head up high. Don’t message them. Don’t drunk text. Don’t fucking well show up at their house (weirdo). And most of all, don’t tell everyone about their below average sized private parts because you’re better than that, even if they aren’t.

Now go forth and get laid my single friends, it’s a great time to be alive!