3 Steps To Being Fit (But Not A Fitness D*ck)

Being fit is great. You feel so proud of yourself and so you should. But there’s a line between telling people you workout and boring them with bollocks about protein shakes and having an instagram filled with gym selfies. Seriously, stop. Here’s how to be in the best shape of your life this summer but also not be an absolute dick about it.

1) Cut Out The Shit Food (And Talk)

It’s 70% down to the food you eat. Now that’s not an exact percentage, but there’s no point in running 5K and then eating a full Irish fry-up, is there? So start eating better; more fruits and veg, less croissants. And then add more carbs and protein if you’re trying to bulk up or run long distance.

Now the important thing here is that when you’re dropping all this fucking amazing tasting food and eating all the shite bland stuff, don’t complain about it or brag about it on social media. This was your decision and no one, I mean NO ONE, wants to hear about it. Don’t even try tell me about this new vegan-stevia-cows-shit protein shake you drink every 4.25 hours. No one cares and there is no way you’re actually enjoying it. Juice cleanses are all well and good, but we both know you’re a grouchy bitch because you’re hungry.

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2) You Gotta Work Bitch

30% exercise doesn’t sound like a lot but, believe me, it is. If you want JLaw’s body you aren’t going to wake up with it one day because you wished on a shooting star over a double rainbow. You gotta work bitch. The only way you’ll stick at working out is by doing what you enjoy. Dancing, lifting, running, yoga, do what you love!

With great workouts, comes great responsibility. It can take a lot of restraint not to tell your co-workers over Elevenses about the longest run you’ve done so far or how much you deadlifted today. But don’t be a douche and brag.

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3) It’s A Mental Battle

The hardest step on a run is the first one out the door (or out of bed if you’re as lazy as me). You have to learn how to push yourself even when it feels like your lungs are about to spontaneously combust and your cow-shit protein shake is going to make a reappearance. Getting a workout buddy will help motivate you because you can’t let them down.

Motivation can be something that people love or they’ll want to punch you in the jugular. There’s a fine line between preaching inspirational quotes to get them to “believe in themselves” and sounding like a cringy American. Find that line.

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So just remember be proud of yourself but don’t brag and for the love of all things holy, don’t take selfies in the gym mirror. Please.