27 Surefire Ways To P*ss Off An Irish Person

There are times in life when there’s no better feeling than being Irish. When Ireland wins the Six Nations, when we were the first country to legalise same-sex marriage by vote, when Greece got into more recession shit than we did….. all great times to be Irish, basically. There’s only one time really that it’s a fucking nuisance being Irish – when you’re abroad. Here are some of the most painstakingly ridiculous ways to piss off any Irish person with ease.

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1) “Do you like Guinness?”

Of course I like Guinness. It’s the staple drink of my nation. I have it with my breakfast, I have it in my cereal, I take it with me when I go jogging. A day without Guinness is a day without love…

2) “Say something Irish.”

How about ‘feck off’.

3) “Have you ever seen a leprechaun?”

Yeah, I keep one tied up in my garden and feed him Lucky Charms mate.

4) “OMG my great grandmother’s cousin’s daughter’s cat is Irish!”

Yes, please continue to tell me about your family history in detail because it clearly indicates that you’re as Irish as I am.

5) “I’ve always wanted to visit Ireland.”

And I’ve always wanted to ask Hitler why he started World War 2, but we can’t always get what we want, can we?

6) “Do you guys call it the Emerald Isle?”

Do you guys call it the United States of Twats?

7) “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!”

I’ll fuckin deck ya boy.

8) “OMG do you know a Seán O’Donoghue from Ireland?”

OMG yeah, he’s like my BFFL!!

9) “Does this sound Irish?”

*Proceeds to impersonate Chris O’Dowd* Do you realise how fucking stupid you sound?

10) “Y’know Michael Fassbender is actually from Germany.”

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If Barack Obama claims to be Irish, I’m pretty sure we can have Michael Fassbender without too many complaints.

11) “Have you ever seen U2?”

Me and Bono chill together all the time. I bought him those sunglasses. We tight bitch.

12) “I can never tell the difference between Irish accents and English accents.”

Funny you should say that, because I can never tell the difference between American accents and dolphin noises.

13) “Did you ever do Riverdance?”

Do you not recognise me? I was the lead before Michael Flatley. He only got picked when I quit because of musical differences. *Shrugs*

14) “So, are you like fluent in Irish?”

Have you not seen the ad? Is maith liom cáca milis. Enough said.

15) “Do you wear green a lot?”

It’s illegal to leave your house without something green on. You didn’t know that? Imbecile.

16) “Is your President really a leprechaun?”

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Was Jesus really The Messiah?

17) “Would you like to tip by cash or by card?”

The only tip you’re getting from me is to NEVER DEMAND A TIP AGAIN, YOU SKINNY PRICK.

18) “Are you from Northern Ireland or Southern Ireland?”

Well, one of the above doesn’t exist, so I’ll let you figure that out…

19) “I bet you guys love Patty’s Day.”

Who the fuck even is Patty? You dumb bitch.

20) “Say thirty-three and a third!”

Start running, immediately.

21) “You don’t sound Irish.”

And you don’t look not Irish until all that bullshit flows out your mouth.

22) “I LOVE the Irish!”

Really? You know the entire population of Ireland personally? Jeez, I know we’re a small country but fair fucks. You’ve got your shit together man.

23) “The famine was so tough, wasn’t it?”

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Oh, were you born in 1845? Looking fresh.

24) *Insert any form of compliment*

It’s from Penneys….

25) “You need to get out in the sun more.”

How do you think I got these freckles? And I sometimes go an off-pink colour during the summer, so fuck you.

26) “Do you own a farm?”

Several. Two in Russia, one off the coast of Morocco and three in Central Asia. Wbu?

27) “What’s Father Ted? Is he like the Pope of Ireland or something?”

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We’re done here. Move along.