16 Types Of Girls You Meet In Nightclub Bathrooms

If you’ve ever found yourself wandering into a girls bathroom in a nightclub, you’ll surely have realised your horrid mistake and ran in the opposite direction as fast as possible. Girls bathrooms are downright disgusting to spend any amount of time in, even when you’re completely slashed. Here are some of the many types of girls you’ll meet if you find yourself stuck in the confines of a girls bathroom…

1) The Crier

Ah, the girl whose life is in utter shambles, yet she has somehow still managed to put on a dress and head out on the beer. Possible reasons as to why she’s a weeping wreck may include the following: she was recently dumped; her best friend has gone on the pull and abandoned her; she’s seen her ex with a new bird who’s fitter than her; she ran out of money so she can’t afford taco chips at 2am; her final exam is tomorrow morning and she’s just realised the terrible mistake she’s made. The list is endless really…

2) The d*ckhead banging on the doors.

There’s always at least one girl whose bladder is obviously letting her down and therefore, she feels the need to bang and claw at every cubicle door until the terrified girls inside come out. If I was the bathroom attendant, I’d make her wait an extra minute for every noise she made. Bitch’s vagina better have some serious contraction skills…

3) The girl taking endless selfies.

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Oh Holy Lord, how many possible angles are there for that one pose? Literally nothing has changed from one picture to the next, besides that chunk of hair you keep flipping from side to side. Flaw filled.

4) The very good friend.

Massive respect for this girl. Her friend is throwing herself around the bathrooms like a kangaroo that hasn’t bounced in years, yet the good friend is able to remain calm and get her safely into the cubicle where she proceeds to hold the girl’s hair back as she pukes up last night’s lasagna. Kudos to you, my friend, you’re a rare breed.

5) The girls having a singalong.

What is it with girls and chanting in bathrooms? I thought it was only fellas that did that? Unfortunately I was wrong, particularly when it comes to colleges with a female majority. Just because you outweigh the males in your college doesn’t mean you have the right to chant some pointless rhyme in a nightclub bathroom. Get a grip, sharp.6

6) The girl who’s looking for her friend.

“KATIE? ARE YOU IN HERE? HAS ANYONE SEEN KATIE?!” Bitch please, if we were Katie we’d be hiding from you too.

7) The ones arguing over a boy.

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The timeless classic. Not a night out goes by where you won’t find two girls pulling each other’s hair out because they somehow managed to get with the same guy in the space of twenty minutes. All this time being wasted arguing over one fella who’s probably already gone off with the next girl he found swinging on the dancefloor.

8) The needy one.

DO NOT engage with this girl. She doesn’t just need eyeliner, she also needs mascara, lipstick, foundation, blusher, a hairbrush, deodorant, dental floss and whatever else she can possibly squeeze out of you. That’s what the toilet attendant is here for, honey.

9) The projectile-vomiter.

You can see her coming a mile away. No, actually, you can hear her coming. Her friends are probably shuffling her through the doors, desperately hoping she makes it to a toilet bowl before she spews her guts out. If she can’t make it to the cubicle, the sink will have to do. *gags*

10) The randomer that becomes your new BFF.

I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but girls are always far chattier in the confines of the bathrooms. Maybe it’s because they’re away from all males and other females are no longer a threat or because they’ve just relieved themselves and are feeling fabulous, but whatever the reason, girls are extremely approachable in nightclub bathrooms. And chances are, if you get talking to someone long enough, you guys will add each other on Facebook and become new bathroom besties. Sweet!

11) The girls sharing a cubicle for the entire night.

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It’s beyond me how five fully-grown women can wiggle their way into one tiny cubicle and then pee comfortably. How does that even work? Do you take it in turns or go two at a time? So much confusion.

12) The under-ager with a sneaky naggin in her bra.

Another type of girl that’s almost too easy to spot. You start to wonder how it is possible that you got ID’d at the door, yet this young one strolled in here with a rectangular-shaped boob in full view. Life, eh? *sighs*

13) The one that’s hogging the mirror.

“Excuse me, can I just…” and then she remains in front of you for the next ten minutes, using every inch of light and space to perfect her couture. We’re all thinking the same thing at this point: move bitch, get out the way.

14) Your outfit twin.

Due to the fact that essentially every woman up and down the country shops in the same place, this happens quite a lot. Seeing someone wearing the same thing as you will go one of two ways: you’ll either run over and squeal in delight that you’ve found someone with as amazing fashion sense as you or you’ll give her daggers until the clothes evaporate from her body and she turns to ash. It’s a 50/50 kind of game.

15) The girl in the corner staring at everyone.

Who is this creep and why is she allowed in here? If you’re not using the toilets and you’re not waiting on a friend, do everyone a favour and just stand outside.

16) The one having a DMC with the toilet attendant.

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More than likely the same girl that asked you for your entire make-up kit five minutes ago. She’s stingy but still needs the products so instead of paying a euro for them like everyone else does, she wastes a good half hour trying to become besties with the lady working there. Perhaps if the attendant was as shitfaced as you are, this might’ve worked, but for now all you’re getting is a smile and a sheet of paper. Better luck next time.