11 Ways to Trick Someone into Thinking You’re Sophisticated

If there’s one thing you’re going to learn at college (besides how bad you are at company law), it’s how unsophisticated you are. Now hold up, no reason to be angry; I’m not saying that you’re dim, you’re just not the brightest of light bulbs ya know? You’re like a faint glow, some would even say dim…. Oh, look at that, I’m calling you dim, oh well. You’re a smart kid but you’re extremely uncultured. If I were to ask you your opinion on the current political situation affecting the country, you’d bring up some football scandal. It’s okay, there’s hope for you yet. Let me teach you how to be a whiskey drinking, smooth talking, eloquent mothafucka. Now sit back, shut up and let me get to work.

1) Theasuarus It Up

Despite the seemingly superfluous use of grammatical aesthetic, it does further both the belief and concept of you being an affluent member of the mentally royal. Basically using big words looks cool

2) Watch Documentaries

Do you know over a 100 facts about penguins? No..well I do. Take a wild guess at who looks fanciest right now.

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3) Have An Opinion

Even if you haven’t the foggiest what you’re talking about, just be vague in your answers. Nothing makes your IQ seem lower than when you stay silent in a pivotal discussion.

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4) Keep Up With The News

“Hey Dafe what’s your opinion on the troubles in the middle east”. It would help your answer to her question if you actually knew where the middle east was, so maybe get watching/reading ?…Idiot

5) Quote People

Did you know that  JFK once said- “Yolo Bitches”, concerning his foreign policy. Well not really, that was utter bullshit. But look how clever I sounded.

6) Read John Green Novels

In every John Green novel there will be at least one character who will be the peak of teenage sophistication. Find said character and copy his or her actions word for word and you should be okay.

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7) Make Friends With Old People

Hey guys! Sorry that I can’t hang out today my friend James invited me to help him do his taxes. Why you ask? Because I am sophisticated as fuck, duh…

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8) Only Drink Spirits

You know what truly signifies you as being a member of the upper class? Forcing down gag-inducing mouthfuls of overly expensive bourbon that make you cry when you look at your bank statement.

9) Listen To Classical Music

It can be Bach or classic jazz, it honestly doesn’t matter so long as you sound pretentious as fuck when you’re at a gaff party and request that they play da boys Beethoven’s 9th symphony. Oh yeah! That’s my jam…

10) Dress Smartly

You have a 9am lecture, may as well get up an hour earlier to iron out a plain white button down T-shirt and a pair of slacks. Some may call it conceited or perhaps snobbish. I personally think it’s very suave.

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11) Picture Perfect Posture

Stand Straight. Walk Straight. Sit Straight. Sleep Straight. What Amanda? You have a sore back and want to slouch? UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!

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